Excerpt from an email I never sent #6

And as the sun sets, I will now let go of the idea of you. I really tried. Trust me, I did.

Things have been different, and the pain will only continue if we keep holding on to the idea that it will get better. Maybe some things can't really heal even after a really long time. I hope you find peace even after everything that happened. I hope in your next life, you get to do the things you wanted to do, and live the life you wanted to live.

I hope in the next life, you'll be free.

Day 3 of 366

I wanted to say hello, but never actually sent the message. It wasn't because I wasn’t willing to make contact; rather, I thought that popping up out of the blue would be a kind of trespass. I was scared to death that if I started suddenly, you would shut the door before I could see you. I didn’t want to be amongst all the other interruptions in your life that vanish as soon as you hit block, or be the reason for your reflex of self-protection. So I went away without saying goodbye, keeping it in my pocket. But here, talking honestly in your own gentle manner, I can sense that something has changed. A tiny authorization. A small glow. It was enough for me to respond not only with words but with commitment to everything you wrote. That is exactly what I am indebted to you for: your time, not your value judgments. The way you portray yourself is not a mere characterization but a look - a look that shows how your total inner world is affected and how your heart is both your guide and ...

Excerpt from an email I never sent #10

There are days when I feel like you regret having me in your life. Like when someone wants milk but gets coffee instead, or how someone wants gold but got silver instead, and then there's the rush of feeling disappointed that comes after. I hope you don't have that kind of regret, where you would exchange anything just so you could turn back time and make me disappear. I know I am not someone you wished for with your eyes closed and heart hoping, but please do not regret having me. I hope my existence does not bring you any discomfort. I hope that, hearing my name come up on television or the radio, won't give you panic attacks and those kinds of stomachaches that come from stress. I hope seeing me in person won't give you the fright. To be honest, I do not, and never wanted to be remembered as your biggest mistake. I am pretty sure I am not one, but the look in your eyes sometimes makes me think otherwise. I try not to ask too much because I also do not want you to re...

Thanatos is a familiar friend

I wonder how Thanatos will conduct himself, When it finds me in a state of unreservedly perished. Will it halt befuddled, Wondering who took me, Did the poison work before he arrived? Or did I self-destruct Because it definitely does not seem like I'm capable of doing so. I wonder if he will be shocked when it hits him That there's nothing left to aver No soul attached, No breath to purloin, Just a body to burn. Or will he chuckle silently, Because the day finally arrived. Where I shall be free. For he recognizes I've been dead inside for ages. And I have been preparing my own memorial service, long before Thanatos came down and showed up.

Memento vivere, amica mea.

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