There are days when I feel like you regret having me in your life. Like when someone wants milk but gets coffee instead, or how someone wants gold but got silver instead, and then there's the rush of feeling disappointed that comes after. I hope you don't have that kind of regret, where you would exchange anything just so you could turn back time and make me disappear.
I know I am not someone you wished for with your eyes closed and heart hoping, but please do not regret having me.
I hope my existence does not bring you any discomfort. I hope that, hearing my name come up on television or the radio, won't give you panic attacks and those kinds of stomachaches that come from stress. I hope seeing me in person won't give you the fright.
To be honest, I do not, and never wanted to be remembered as your biggest mistake. I am pretty sure I am not one, but the look in your eyes sometimes makes me think otherwise. I try not to ask too much because I also do not want you to remember me as the girl with so much demand, with so many complications. I do not want you to remember me as the girl you had to give up everything for.
I promised to carry whatever small love you can give, and will forever do it silently, even if it leaves me with nothing. That no matter how much experience destroys me, I will just try to remember how you do not regret having me, and at the very least, that is a dim light I am willing to hold on to in the middle of this dark journey called life.
And if ever this plea seems unacceptable, please bear in mind that I am your eldest daughter, and that I wanted nothing more.
I wanted to say hello, but never actually sent the message. It wasn't because I wasn’t willing to make contact; rather, I thought that popping up out of the blue would be a kind of trespass. I was scared to death that if I started suddenly, you would shut the door before I could see you. I didn’t want to be amongst all the other interruptions in your life that vanish as soon as you hit block, or be the reason for your reflex of self-protection. So I went away without saying goodbye, keeping it in my pocket. But here, talking honestly in your own gentle manner, I can sense that something has changed. A tiny authorization. A small glow. It was enough for me to respond not only with words but with commitment to everything you wrote. That is exactly what I am indebted to you for: your time, not your value judgments. The way you portray yourself is not a mere characterization but a look - a look that shows how your total inner world is affected and how your heart is both your guide and ...