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Excerpt from an email I never sent #4

Sometimes I think about A. He is someone I always admire but will never dare to call mine. I wasn't ready when he is. He wasn't ready when I was. It was the universe's sign that we were not meant for each other. Or maybe that's what I tell myself to justify how coward I am to take risk, even if I think it is worth taking a shot.

Sometimes I think about C. Maybe I was too early, and maybe he's a little late. Or maybe I was the one late trying to act early. He got good attributes I can't deny, and as time went by, it felt like I was taking the life out of him. Turning him a monster like me, just like me, or maybe worse, just so I won't be alone in this journey called life.

Sometimes I think about D. A person who never failed to be one call away. He was there to fetch me when I got lost commuting, he was there to make sure I get home safe. I always feel guilty remembering everything. How he begged and kneeled that I choose him. How he ask me to stay and work things out. And I still remember how I walked away because I was tired of being responsible of everything but myself. There are times where it makes me wonder if I made a different choice, would things be different too?

Sometimes I think about E. How I ruined everything because of a lie. I knew a lie is a lie no matter what the intention is. Cutting me off his life was the best decision he made. He shouldn't be with me. I know. Because I destroyed everything I loved.

Sometimes I think about me, and all the what ifs. That what could have been. And sometimes I wonder, should I still be here?
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