I wanted to say hello, but never actually sent the message. It wasn't because I wasn’t willing to make contact; rather, I thought that popping up out of the blue would be a kind of trespass. I was scared to death that if I started suddenly, you would shut the door before I could see you. I didn’t want to be amongst all the other interruptions in your life that vanish as soon as you hit block, or be the reason for your reflex of self-protection. So I went away without saying goodbye, keeping it in my pocket. But here, talking honestly in your own gentle manner, I can sense that something has changed. A tiny authorization. A small glow. It was enough for me to respond not only with words but with commitment to everything you wrote. That is exactly what I am indebted to you for: your time, not your value judgments. The way you portray yourself is not a mere characterization but a look - a look that shows how your total inner world is affected and how your heart is both your guide and ...
When I learned that you have someone else other than me, I knew then that you were not coming back. That the chance of me ever seeing your face again went from a slim 25% to 2%. When I learned that there is now a little chance of having you in my life, I wish your goodbye was a little kinder. I wish it didn't sting that much. I can only wish you walked away without breaking me. It took so much to stop hoping, did you know that? It took me more than 366 days to understand the part where you left and that it wasn't my fault either. I remember how I play pretend of what I would do just in case one day, you're at my front door apologizing for all the bad decisions you have made that affected me. I still remember trying to check the small window in my room just in case your car is already back at the garage. I remember crossing out days on the calendar as if you were someone who was just having a vacation in another country. I remember hoping and I remember how that feeling suc...